How to Upgrade Communication & Keep from Becoming Your Parents
What do all relationships have in common?
Relationships require communication.
Growing up with a pattern of verbal fighting to stick up for myself, blaming people around me for my challenges, and sweeping feelings and arguments under the rug, it was a hard road to the realization communicating this way wasn’t really working for me. For me, reading Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg, really changed the way I see the use of language in interpersonal conflict as well as connection. I decided I wanted to give violence, the willingness to fight for what I believe I own, a rest, in favor of what Rosenberg promises is a better way to get what you want, while honoring the wants and boundaries of others.
Below is a brief synopsis, in ten easy steps, of what I learned about navigating conflict. If you read it and think that it’s too complicated, rest assured that my ten-year-old daughter and I run this formula with each other, in both directions, a few times a week with amazing success, especially the more times we practice it.
Ten Steps to Resolve Conflict through Empathetic Expression & Listening:
- I see that you’re having some feelings and I suspect I may have played a role in why you feel that way.
- Looks like you might be feeling (sad, mad, frustrated, lonely, tired) right now.
- I imagine that you have a need that isn’t being met. If you’re willing to share, I’m willing to listen.
- It must be disappointing that your need isn’t being met.
- I can see how I’ve played a role in: (not meeting your need, crossing a boundary, breaking a commitment we made).
- I understand that my role in this conflict may be contributing to us being disconnected.
- I’d like to repair and reconnect with you.
- What can we do to repair this conflict, moving forward?
- I understand that when I do this, it has this consequence (insert consequence).
- In the future, I will be more aware of this consequence and I will choose carefully, depending on my intentions.